Kindness with a backbone: Why “being nice” mustn’t hurt
When we talk about kindness, we often imagine softness. Smiles. Helping hands. Being the “nice one” who is always there, always available, always saying yes.
But if we look a little closer, a deeper truth appears:
Kindness is not about turning yourself into a cushion for everyone else to lean on.
It’s not about being adorned in the expectations and desires of others.
It’s not about betraying yourself just so you can be seen as a good person.
Genuine kindness has a backbone, because it comes from the heart.
Therefore genuine kindness includes you too.
The myth: kindness means endless giving
Many of us grew up with the message that to be kind is to be endlessly giving.
Say yes, even when you’re tired.
Be helpful, even when you’re overwhelmed.
Put others first, always.
Somewhere along the way, we absorbed the belief that the more we ignore our own needs, the kinder we are.
But here’s the problem: kindness that constantly asks you to abandon yourself isn’t kindness. It’s self-erasure.
You can’t truly bring warmth, presence, and genuine care into the world if you are running on empty inside.
Kindness isn’t self-sacrifice
There’s a big difference between:
choosing to help because you want to, and
feeling you have to help because you’re afraid of disappointing someone.
True kindness is a choice, not a compulsion.
Being kind does not mean:
saying yes to every request
bending over backwards to keep everyone happy
fixing every problem around you
swallowing your truth to avoid conflict
When you stretch yourself past your limits again and again, you’re not just being kind, you’re abandoning your own well-being. That isn’t noble; it can be very painful, because it’s cruel.
And over time, that pain shows up as:
exhaustion and burnout
resentment towards others
frustration with yourself
a sense of being disconnected from who you really are
You can be the kindest person in the room and still feel completely drained, invisible, or taken for granted. That’s a sign that what you’re practising isn’t healthy kindness. It’s self-sacrifice dressed up as niceness.
When kindness turns into people-pleasing
Kindness becomes self-sabotage when it slips into people-pleasing.
That’s when you:
say “yes” while every cell in your body is saying “no”
agree to help because you’re scared of being seen as difficult, selfish, or unkind
stay quiet when something hurts you, just to “keep the peace”
On the surface, this looks like kindness. You’re being helpful. You’re being accommodating. But inside, you might feel:
tight in your chest, in your shoulders
heavy in your stomach
quietly angry or resentful
like you’re disappearing in your own life
This is your body telling you the truth:
This doesn’t feel kind to me.
People-pleasing isn’t about love; it’s about fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of not being seen as “good enough”.
Real kindness doesn’t ask you to override your own truth like that.
The unseen consequences of boundaries-free kindness
When you give and give without limits, something else happens that we don’t often talk about, but as a holistic therapist, I must.
Without meaning to, you start to teach others that:
your time is always available
your energy is bottomless
your emotional support has no end
your tank never gets empty
So people begin to expect that:
you will always pick up the phone
you will always say yes
you will always show up, regardless of how you feel
And when you finally can’t, when you really have reached your limit, really are tired, busy, or needing space, some may see it as a failure on your part. They might feel let down. They might get upset.
And the biggest issue with this is that over time, their expectations can become your inner pressure, showing up in your body in very different, creative, but painful ways:
I should be there.
I shouldn’t say no.
I’m letting them down.
Guilt creeps in, even when the demands are unreasonable. This isn’t because you’re doing something wrong by needing rest.
It’s because a boundary was never clearly set in the first place.
True kindness includes boundaries
Healthy kindness is not boundaryless.
In fact, boundaries are an essential part of kindness.
Boundaries say:
“I care about you, and I also care about me.”
“I want to help, but not at the expense of my own well-being.”
“I can be there for you, but not all the time, in every way.”
Kindness with boundaries might sound like:
“I’d love to help, but I can’t do that today.”
“I hear that you’re struggling. I don’t have the capacity to talk right now, but we can catch up tomorrow.”
“I’m not able to take this on, but I hope you find the support you need.”
This is still kindness.
It’s honest, respectful, and human.
Kindness that includes you. And kindness that includes you is sustainable, becuase it keeps your heart open without tearing it apart. It is being kind from a full cup, not forcing something out from a completely empty one.
Self-kindness is the root of it all
If kindness is to be real, it has to start at home, with you. We talk about this a lot in sessions. Don’t worry, I am not a full pro either, but I feel that it is important to operate like this, because this is the way to be able to do it with full heart in. So self-kindness looks like this to me:
checking in with your body before you say yes
noticing when you feel drained, tense, or shut down
allowing yourself to rest without feeling guilty
acknowledging your own needs as valid and important
When you are kind to yourself:
your yes becomes clearer
your no becomes cleaner
your presence becomes deeper
You’re no longer giving from a place of obligation or fear. You’re giving from a place of wholeness.
And that kind of kindness?
Well, it truly does foster connection, nurture relationships, and bring harmony into the world, because it’s genuine. It is real. It’s not forced. It’s not resentful. It’s not pretending.
It is kindness with integrity…
because kindness in its purest form isn’t about becoming what others want you to be.
It’s about standing as who you truly are and meeting the world from that place.
That means AND I MEAN IT:
honouring your limits
listening to your body
respecting your energy
trusting your inner “yes” and your inner “no”
It’s okay, and more than okay, to disappoint someone else in order to stay true to yourself. If your intention is kind, that you are kind. And how others respond is out of your control. You are in full control of only how you want to show up as.
You are not here to prove your goodness at the cost of your health. You are here to be authentically you.
And when your kindness is rooted in self-respect, it becomes something steady, strong, and beautifully human. A kindness that doesn’t consume you, but includes you.
That’s the kind of kindness the world truly needs.
What do you think? Share your ideas and thoughts.
Always with love,
B✨
